All of these stories are the product of mad brain of author.
All coincidences of names of countries, cities and people are just occasional.
The author's conclusions are not author's opinions.

Short stories about crystallographers

One day Dr.A.Vagin sat down in room number 309 in the institute of Crystallography in Moscow. It was 5 minutes past 6 in the afternoon. And he heard some sounds of steps a man who was running very hard. They were closer, closer and closer. Finally the door opened and Dr.B.Strokopytov came in. He looked at the clock and said: 'Hell, I'm late'. 'Why?' - asked Dr.Vagin - 'The working day is over. It's time to relax.' 'I promised myself to be in the lab at 6 o'clock exactly. So, I'm late.' And after that Dr.Vagin and Dr.Strokopytov spent a lot of time having tea and talking about crystallography, books, women and so on.
Conclusion: Never have a competition with yourself.

Dr.Melik-Adamyan was in America as a visiting scientist for two months. On the last day the university booked a taxi to take him to the airport. When the taxi arrived the porter asked the driver if this taxi was for Dr.Melik. The driver said yes and Dr.Melik-Adamyan sat down in the taxi. But the driver continued to wait. After five minutes waiting Dr.Melik-Adamyan asked the driver: 'What are you waiting for?' 'Some person must be coming' - answered the driver. And they were waiting and waiting. Dr.Melik-Adamyan became nervous. He was afraid of missing his flight. Suddenly one thought came into his brain. He asked the driver: 'What is the name of this person?' The driver looked at the list and said: 'Mr.Adamyan'.

It was the time of leggemodlobin structure solution in institute of Crystallography in Moscow. The team worked very hard, all day and night. Everyone was very tired. Dr.A.Pavlovsky asked Dr.V.Borisov: 'Vsevolod Vasilyevich, when are we going to relax?'. Dr.Borisov looked at Dr.Pavlovsky and answered: 'We will relax in our coffin'.
Conclusion: Never ask your boss stupid questions.

In the lab someone told a short story Dr.Karpuhina. The story was:
Question: What is higher than love?
Answer: Belly button ('pupok' in Russian).
She was very excited about it. She came home and said to her husband:
'Listen, I bring a nice story from our lab:
Question: What is below the belly button?
Answer: Love
The husband was terriblely shocked.

> -----Original Message-----
> From: A. L. 
> Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2000 11:09 AM
> To:   Alexey Bochkarev
> Subject:      Re: Short Funy stories from Alexei Vagin
> 
> Alexey Bochkarev wrote:
> > 
> > Priwet:
> > 
> > You may want to make a look at this site:
> >    www.ysbl.york.ac.uk/~alexei/stories.html
> 
> Nice. However, I consider that the funniest thing about these stories is
> the last name of the author! It's ok in Russian language, but how he
> dare just to appear here with such a shocking last name? (Or he
> doesn't?) It's the same if he were Alexei "Vlagalich" in Russia!

Very many years ego Dr.G.Murshudov vent to a book shop in Baku (in soviet time) and he asked a shop assistant: "Do you have some book of Markes?" "Yes, of course" - answered the shop assistant - "We have a lot of books of Marx." And he pointed to the shelves filled with books of K.Marx.

One day Dr.A.Vagin visited Dr.B.Strokopytov in New York for a week. Dr.Vagin had never been in Brighton Beach and he asked Dr.Strokopytov to visit this famous place of soviet immigrants. There they had dinner in a russian restorant where they enjoyed of pelemeni, vodka, russian songs. After that they went out and were looking for underground. A guy passed through. Dr.Strokopytov asked him: "Where is underground, please?" "Chavo?" - said guy. "Gde zdes' metro?" - repeated Dr.Strokopytov. "A, metro" - said guy - "Pryamo i napravo".

Two short stories about programmers. (by Andrei Larionov)

When Mr. Margulev was in America, he was staying for some time at the house of his old but distant friend. The friend, naturally, did not take a penny for the lodging, so Mr. Margulev was looking for a chance to make a favour to his friend. And soon a chance came up. Though not an ordinary one, as the friend was occupied with some paramental studies and needed a human body dumb ("maneken") for his work. After some consideration he decided that the easiest way to get a dumb is to buy an inflated love doll. Thus Mr. Margulev (being not happy at all about this errand) went to a sex shop and bought a love doll. For some reason they didn't give him a receipt and Mr. Margulev demanded it. Unfortunately, he didn't know the English language well in general and the word "receipt" in particular, and asked for a "check" (that is "receipt" in Russian) . The sale girl looked strange at him and advised him to go home and make any check he wants. Mr. Margulev was surprised, irritated and insisted that he needed a "check" right now, the sale girl called the manager and they tried to explain him that it was not possible... Fortunately, the story finished without the police, because Mr. Margulev gave up soon and went home (with the doll but without a "check") where he received a full explanation of the situation from his friend.

Mr. Sevastianov was sitting at home and admiring a brand new telephone set he'd bought recently. Suddenly he realized that there was no a handset on the base. He was bewildered with this fact but quickly figured out that if he traced the connecting wire, he would easily find the missing part. He was very proud of himself for such quick and algorithmic solution. He started tracing the wire and soon discovered that ... it was him who was sitting and talking by phone and holding the handset, naturally, at his ear!

One day academician A.Shubnikov called academician P.Kapitca. "Hello, this is director of institute of Crystallography Shubnikov speaking." "Crystallography ?" - answered P.Kapitca - "There isn't such science."

One west crystallographer visited Moscow. Dr.V.Borisov helped her as a guide and a translator. Once she asked him to organize the meeting with professor A.Kitaygorodsky. Dr.Borisov called him and asked. "Is she nice?" - asked professor Kitaygorodsky. "Ah-ah, me-me.." - started to answer Dr.Borisov. "O'key, I understand" - said professor Kitaygorodsky - "Age"

Another story about Dr.Karpuhina.
Odnavdy w laboratorii Swetlane Karpuhinoj rasskazali [utku:
"^to takoe 'sisxki-masisxki'?" "eto tak Leonid Ilxi^ Brevnew goworit 'sistemati^eski'"
Ej eta [utka o^enx ponrawilasx i pridq domoj ona skazala muvu:
"A ty znae[x, ^to takoe 'sisxki-motalki'?"
Muv byl w o^erednoj raz [okirowan sortom [utok, kotorye rasskazywa@t u nee w laboratorii.

One story by Dr.O.Suleimenov

Moskwa, Ob]evitie aspirantow. Odin azerbajdvanskij aspirant l@bil goworitx dwum drugim kazahskim aspirantam:
"Nu, ^to u was za qzyk. Stolxko mnogo russkih slow"
W konce koncow eto im nadoelo i oni emu skazali:
"Nu, a kak na twoem qzyke - Lew Tolstoj?"
On o^enx udiwilsq woprosu i skazal:
"Kak, kak - Lew Tolstoj - kone^no."
"Nu a na na[em - Arystan Semizow."
(po kazahski Arystan - lew, a Semiz - tolstyj.)

Gruppa kristallografow iz instituta kristallografii ^asto esdila w Leningrad na konferencii i l@bila zahoditx w piwnu@ na Newskom prospekte. W etoj piwnoj w tualete sluvitelem byl nekij Dqdq Wasq - koloritnaq li^nostx. Odnavdu oni priehali w Leningrad i w tualete Moskowskogo wokzala uwidili sluvitelem togo samogo Dqd@ Was@. Oni brosilisx k nemu wosklicaq:
"Dqdq Wasq, ^to slu^ilosx? Po^emu wy zdesx, a ne w piwnoj na Newskom?"
Dqdq Wasq posmotrel na nih pe^alxno i skazal:
"Intrigi"

Odnavdy anglijskij kristallograf Aleksandr Ri^ posetil institut kristallografii. Daniil Moiseewi^ Hejker skazal B.K.Wajn[teinu:
"A, Wy znaete, Boris Konstantinowi^, po^emu u nego familiq - Ri^. Eto on tak sokratil swo@ nastoq]@@ famili@ - Rabinowi^."
Na ^to B.K.Wajn[tein otwetil:
"A wot Wam, Daniil Moiseewi^, q by ne sowetowal sokra]atx swo@ famili@ takim obrazom."

Three short stories by Valya Tereshko

"Suhoe" leto konca 80h. Banket posle za]ity Bori Strokopytowa. Wstaet doctor Melik-Adamyan i torvestwenno goworit:
- Razre[ite podnqtx /tot pomidor za zdorowxe ...

York. Piwo. Kto-to zaderviwaetsq.
- A Wagin gde?
- W obratnom prostranstwe.

P.S. Movno bylo by podumatx, ^to Wagin walqetsq gde-to pxqnyj. No, awtor uwerql menq, ^to prebywaenie w obratnom prostranstwe \to oby^noe sostoqnie Wagina, kogda on sozdaet nowye algoritmy. Dejstwitelxno, ^asto movno uwidetx ego sidq]im ustawiw[isx wypu^inymi glazami w odnu to^ku s otkrytym rtom. A wot w pxqnom sostoqnii Wagin wsegda weselyj i ob]itelxnyj, i nikogda ne opazdywaet w pub.

Kak-to raz doktor L.W.Malinina polu^ila zapisku ot akademika B.K.Wajn[tejna, na^ina@]u@sq obra]eniem:
L@sq Wiktorowna,..
/to mnogih pozabawilo, a doktora A.A.Wagina wdohnowilo na sozdanie nowogo [edewra:
L@sq Wektorowna.

Odnavdy w 1991 godu Dr.Wagin oformlql dokumenty dlq kratkosro^noj poezdki w Angli@ w UWS Akademii Nauk. Kogda on pri[el s bumagami k ^inowniku, tot emu skazal:
- A wy znaete, ^to institut kristallografii teperx nazywaetsq ne IKAN a IKRAN.
- Kakaq-to "ikra" sly[itsq - zametil Wagin.
- Eto ^to, wot kak teperx nazywaetsq institut spektroskopii - wot eto da.

Short story by A. Pavlovsky

Q sly[al \to sobstwennymi u[ami. Gde-to w na^ale-seredine 80-h godow pro[logo weka w IKAN'e prohodil nau^nyj sowet, na kotorom wystupal odin iz zawlabow. W hode wystupleniq razgorelasx diskussiq, kotoraq sna^ala grozila pererosti w swaru, no postepenno naprqvenie rassosalosx. I tut doklad^ik re[il po[utitx i procitirowal wyskazywanie odnogo iz akademikow: "Dave samaq karasiwaq ven]ina ne movet datx bolx[e togo, ^to ona movet datx". Zal byl gotow debatirowatx uve po powodu \toj [utki, no w \tot moment akademik Wain[tein wstrepenulsq i gromko skazal: "No ona movet datx dwavdy." Da, i reakciq ve u nego byla....

W.W. Borisow

(k za[ite A.A. Wagina. 1983)

Welikie poety o A.A.Wagine.

A.S.Pu[kin

Ale[a Wagin, na[ priqtelx,
Viwet na sewere Moskwy,
Tam vili nekogda i Wy,
Na[ znamenityj predsedatelx.
Odnavdy pobyl tam i q
I perepilsq, kak swinxq.

Sudxba hranila Alexeq:
Sna^ala Gurskoj byl on dan,
Perekl@^ilsq na FORTRAN
I zdesx na[el sebq ne srazu,
No wot nabrel na katalazu
.
W te dni, kogda w WC Gossnaba
Q bezmqtevno procwetal,
Kogda tam sintezy s^ital,
No polu^alosx o^enx slabo,
I wot togda w ti[i no^ej
Nam stal qwlqtxsq Alexej.

On byl umen, kak Kapablanka,
Programmam to^nyj wel u^et
I woplotil belkowyj s^et
W izwestnyh sybrutinah BLANCa,
I byl sozdanxem etim gord,
Kogda ve poqwilsq NORD,
On tri ^asa po krajnej mere
Za terminalom prowodil,
Potom nemnogo pokuril,
No eto priwelo k potere:
Ego kollega sel za NORD
i Le[in fajl byl s diska stert.

Ah, Le[e, Le[a, gde ty nyne
Prowodi[x no^i naprolet?
Ty wse s^itae[x na ma[ine
, No wedx i letam s^et idet.
Poslu[al Le[a re^i eti
I sam stal re^x dervatx w sowete.

Wstaet zarq wo mgle holodnoj,
Nastal Re[itelxnyj moment -
Idet k tribune opponent,
Poka ^to trezwyj i golodnyj.
No ^to nam skavet sej pedant,
O tom, ^to w le[e estx talant,
^to trudim sozdan kapitalxnyj,
I w otzyw swoj, wo wsem pohwalxnyj
, Nemnogo qdu podolxet -
Pustx dissertant ego ispxet!
I tut na[ Le[a wstrepenulsq
Proka[lqlsq i otrqhnulsq
I wozbudil ulybki dam
Ognem otwetnyh epigramm.

Ny wot i wse ... K ^emu lukawitx?
Moj srok dawno yve istek.
Za^em Ale[u qmbom slawitx?
Pora i probku w potolok

M.@.Lermontow

Maq^it Wagin odinokij
W IKANe tihom i pustom.
^to i]et on w no^i glubokoj,
Zabyw o wremeni dnewnom.

W otsutstwii gorq^ej pi]i
on wesx ot holoda drovit.
Uwy, on Ryskina ne i]et
I ne ot Towbisa bevit.

W ego zadum^iwoj figure
Wse preispolneno toskoj.
On snowa bredit o strukture,
No sam ne znaet, o kakoj.

K.M.Simonow

Ty pomnishx, Ale[a, period Gossnab]iny,
Period re[eniq perwyh struktur,
I kraski styda ot ma[innoj pohab]iny
Pri wyzowe s diska ne teh procedur.

Ty pomni[x programmy Ra[ida Riskulowa,
Kogda e]e ne byl zakon^en twoj BLANK,
I gnusno-elejnu@ re^x Karaulowa,
S kotoroj na nas nastupal on, kak tank.

My ^asto s^itali na kuzinskom wremeni,
Rabotaq krqdu po mnogu no^ej,
Ne znaq togda ni nagrady, ni premii,
Ne sly[a hwalebnyh i lestnyh re^ej.

Ty pomni[x, Ale[a, period NIQF]iny,
Kogda my s^itatx wyhodili gurxboj.
Ustrojstwa, pokrytye pylx@ i rvaw^inoj,
I diskow o[ibki, i pamqti sboj.

Ty pomni[x, Ale[a, kak russkaq ven]ina
Nas dolgie no^i so s^eta vdala,
Kotoroj stolx mnogoe nami obe]ano
I wse ve tak malo sudxba prinesla.

Ny ^to ve, Ale[a, ne tak uv i stary my,
Teperx za]itilisx, pora napadatx,
Pora, ne smu]aqsx nebesnymi karami,
S l@bo@ sudxbo@ i s coboj sowladatx.

If you know other stories send me its, please.